Since I seem to be on my single mom rant at the moment I may as well get on with it.
I LOOVEE when people who aren't single moms (and I only say moms because I don't have any male friends who do this but it would certainly apply to them if it did) say it's like they're single moms because _____ (fill in the blank). My truly single mom friends and I talk about this a lot. So here's the thing...when you people who aren't single parents do that...it makes those of us who are single parents snort, roll our eyes, and temporarily think of a sassy rude comment that could be said. However, I do try to temper this with the fact that I know my status was self chosen and I'm not complaining about it. It truly is the best, safest, least dramatic or stressful and healthiest road that I could have chosen for Keenan. And I really LOVE my life...I'm so happy and satisfied with where I am right now and I totally APPRECIATE what I have and what I've accomplished. I'm at peace and content. This is not about being bitter. I also understand that if you are in a relationship with an involved parent when they're absent it can be difficult and uncomfortable for you. But what I do want to impress on people is that it can't even compare....really, not even a little bit.
Being a single mom means.....
1. You never get a break. You don't get personal time to yourself. You don't get those moments to re-charge your batteries, enjoy a book uninterrupted, enjoy a show uninterrupted (thank god for Tivo), or sleep in or take a nap because you're sick. Hell, I can't remember the last time I peed in private...work doesn't count...there are other stalls in there. Bottom line, you power through no matter what.
2. There's no separation of chores. I have a friend who recently complained that she was pissed off at her husband and so sick and tired that he can't seem to put the clothes in the drawers after he does laundry. Uh, really? You mean your clothes were sorted, washed, dried, folded and put in the respective rooms they belong in and you're bitching about that? Dead birds caught by the cat? You get to clean that up...not your partner. Dog vomit on your bed? Yep, you get that one too. My all time favorite...dog diarrhea! Yummy...good thing you invested in a steam cleaner you like because you're the only one using it. You do the dishes, you take the garbage out, you sweep, mop, vacuum, clean the toilets, mow, edge and weed eat, pound the nails back in the fence boards, scoop the yard and take care of the pool chemicals. Why? Because if you don't, it doesn't get done. However I do want to give a shout out to my ex-husband who really does have moments of absolute sweetness. There have been a few times when on his days off he's come by to mow the lawn or happens to unload my dishwasher and refill it with the dishes in the sink. I swear it's pathetic how damn grateful I can feel...almost moved to tears. Yeah, I'd totally do him in that moment.
3. Drop offs and pick ups. Honey, I'm going to the gym after work so it's your turn to pick up...oh yeah, that would be my turn again. A woman who I really do like complained recently about doing the single mom thing. She talked about how hard it was to get the kids down at night when her husband wasn't home and I do really believe it is very difficult. I only have one child thankfully so I don't really have to wrestle two into bed. The funny part about it all was in the same paragraph as the "doing the single mom thing comment" was the sentence about how she doesn't do drop offs so wasn't sure what her son wore that day or something like that. And as far as the gym...the only way I've been able to make that work is to take work home to do once Keenan's in bed and leave work early so I can squeeze in at least a cardio machine before daycare closes. Go in the morning while Keenan's sleeping? Not unless I want to be a CPS report for leaving my son unsupervised.
4. I just need to run to the store for ____. Yeah, that's so not worth it. Running to the store involves needing to go during times when your child can be out of the house without melting down. Going anywhere is an ordeal and has to be time limited. I really try hard to structure things for Keenan so I know he can be successful. I try to shop when he's rested, keep it time limited, dine only in loud restaurants early in the evening if we go out to eat...that kind of thing. I want to keep realistic expectations of him and not yell at him all the time. Doing little errands is never a little thing. EVERYTHING now requires pre-planning and forethought and there's never the back up of "honey can you stop and get blah blah blah on your way home?"
5. Those really tough decisions. Do I keep Keenan in daycare or move him to a pre-school? What school do I enroll him in? What if he has an IEP and needs me to advocate for him educationally? What if he has on-going medical issues and I have to make treatment decisions. The pressure of knowing that those decisions are all on you and you don't really have the luxury of having the other parent to step in and take the load or bounce things off of them can be pretty overwhelming. I have a friend whose daughter has Down's Syndrome and I tend to be a bit hard on her and critical sometimes for various reasons I won't go into. But I do have to say that I can't imagine how hard it must be for her FIGHTING with the school every year about full-inclusion vs. not or with the doctors about the many surgeries her poor daughter has needed. Now that's rough as a single parent.
5. Finances. This is probably one of the scariest things. If you screw up the books...there's no safety net. If you lose your job, get furloughed, run out of sick time, there's NO SAFETY NET. There's no one else out there, no matter how absent from the home he or she may be in the evenings, who's working for the financial good of your family. You're the wage-earner and the home-maker and failure in any of those realms has dire consquences.
6. Your child is the coolest, smartest, most talented human being to ever walk the planet. There's some small sadness in knowing that you don't have that other person around to share those moments with when your child just impresses the hell out of you with how cool they are. There's a small pang when you realize that the one other person who should be in as much awe as you are isn't there in that moment.
So call it whining, bitching, complaining, whatever. Just know that unless you are a single parent...those moments when you lament that you're doing the single parent thing (like if you're trying to get ready for work in the morning and your partner's already left for work)...um, no you're not. And please, don't judge those of us who give their son a set of make up brushes so we can get through the morning....whose children accidently call someone at random because we're bribing them with our phones for 5 minutes of uninterrupted time to accomplish a task....who loses yet another sippy cup to the dogs because I got a bit distracted and forgot to retrieve it out of the bed after nap. Don't sigh and look at us crossly...we may be superhuman...but we're not perfect!
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