My Own Personal Medea

I have this friend who I’ve know since I was probably four years old. She’s worked with my mom for as long as I have a memory and has always been a favorite of my mom’s friends. She is hysterically funny. I’m talking pee pee in my pants funny especially since a baby came out of my verginny and I have a marked decrease of control in that area. She is an older black woman who is just the kind of influence that a young black boy in this world will need growing up. This is something my personal young black boy will not get from his biological grandmother. My son LOVES this friend. He doesn’t warm up to many people but he really adores her. She teaches him all kinds of naughty stuff. She’s taught him how to sword fight with knives in a restaurant across the table and has exposed him to many swear words he doesn’t get at home. Lucky for my son, she loves him right back. If left to their own devices I could picture the two of them stealing a car and driving cross country while shoplifting at convenience stores along the way to keep their fill of junk food at hand. Of course, this would have to happen when Keenan is much older. I’ve never known her to be dishonest or to be a thief…it’s just that I envision this in a “what happens in the movies that are funny and have a happy ending with no consequences” sort of way.

Last night she came over for dinner and told us two of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a long time. These stories have convinced me that her neighbors must think she’s crazy. Mainly, they’ve convinced me that she’s my own personal Medea. This friend, who I adore, apparently got the idea that since she lives alone and sometimes works late at night and walks to and from her car in the dark that she would need some form of personal protection. Normal people buy a whistle or pepper spray or mace. She bought a Taser. Yes, a TASER! Apparently you can buy that sort of thing off the internet and it comes with a handy 30 day return policy. I only know about the return policy because this particular Taser ended up being returned. A Taser you buy off the internet has the ability of shocking someone with anywhere from 100,000 to 400,000 volts of electricity. (I don’t know if this is even possible but it’s what she reported..it’s her story). In any case, she was showing it off to her neighbor one day all vigilante style and just as he said “I think you’re holding it at the wrong end” she tasered herself. Seriously…I’m not even sure how that happens. Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of trigger you have to pull or button you have to push at the other end of the taser to activate it? I asked her if it hurt and she looked at me like I should get my head out of my ass and said that she dropped it instantly and that just that little shock cleared up her sore throat and her earaches but gave her a headache instead. In her words, her brain’s been scrambled since. I suggested she take a self-defense course.

I know a lot of people who have certain phobias or fears. One of my friend’s husband is deathly afraid of escalators. I know plenty of claustrophobics and I can bet 100 bucks that I can point out 5 people in my immediate circle who are afraid of spiders. I myself have a foot phobia. My feet are fine, Keenan’s feet are fine…all other feet make me nauseous. I’m convinced that the day I meet the man whose feet don’t make me gag a little I will have met my soul mate. I remember on one season of the Real World one girl had a crippling fear of a large moving steel objects…of course they lived in a Marina with cruise ships constantly passing by. In any case, most of these fears are directly related to unpleasant things. This friend who I adore has an INTENSE phobia……of cute little fluffy furry CATS. Um, yeah, CATS. Again, a reason why she’s the crazy neighbor on her street….. So one night she was ready for bed and realized she had forgotten to put her garbage cans out for the next day’s garbage pick up. Since it was late she thought it would be safe to sneak out of the house in her skivvies and her bathrobe and wheel her cans to her curb. She apparently believed she’d be in stealth mode and could sneak back in her house unnoticed. It really was a good plan and who hasn’t done something like that. Until “the incident”. Little life lesson…don’t leave your door slightly ajar when you’re taking your garbage cans to the curb. Unbeknownst to my friend a cat had slipped into her house without her knowing it. Not realizing she was entering a closed, confined space with a (DUNH DUNH DUNH) CAT she went inside thinking all was well and stealth mode was pretty cool. All of a sudden, she saw the cat and the cat saw her. In my mind I haven’t decided which was the most freaked out. The cat went berserk flying around the room knocking things off walls and shelves. My friend started screaming bloody murder at the top of her lung and started running wildly around the room. Fight or flight had kicked in for both of them and neither of them wanted to fight but neither one could accomplish the flight either. In her panic she apparently had forgotten how to open a door. Her neighbors upon hearing this commotion apparently assumed she was being attacked. At least that is what they told the police when they called them. Three separate neighbors, one with a baseball bat and two with shovels came rushing to her side to quell her would be attacker just as the police with lights and sirens in full effect came screeching around the corner to her house. At this point she apparently remember how to turn a doorknob and fled the house in all her skivvied glory with her robe flying behind her. I asked her what she said to the police. She said they asked her what was the problem and after telling them she said they went in to do a sweep of the house to try to oust the attack cat for her. I’ve learned three things from this story…1) always wear a pad around my friend when she’s telling stories, 2) I really want neighbors like that and 3) the police have GOT to have a wall of fame for their funniest or weirdest calls.

I hope the adoration lasts

So I guess I get it now when young girls say they want to get pregnant so they'll have someone to love them. This is a totally screwed up thing to do. Being a parent is the hardest thing on earth requiring superhuman amounts of patience and self-control. It' s a lameass irresponsible reason to have a baby. But I do get it because really, I hope the adoration lasts. My little man is a gem among toddlers. Yes he can be willful and boy is he B-O-S-S-Y!!! But it's those little moments of unsolicited affection and care for others that just gets me. Like, when he stands behind me on the couch and gives me little backrubs with his tiny little hands. Or, when he holds my hair dryer for me in the morning. I love when he's standing on the counter and we're brushing our teeth together and he drapes and arm over my shoulder and pats me on the back. And it's so sweet how sometimes at night when I'm snuggling him into bed he'll put his blanket over me and say "tuck tuck tuck" as he pats the blanket around me and then grabs my face in his hands and gives me little kisses. Seriously, how damn cute is that?! I know someday, sooner than I will like, he'll be embarassed to be seen with me (a condition I plan on making the most of by the way in terms of all the evil things I'm going to think to do in public) and then he'll be unwilling to talk to me because he'll be a sullen, stinky boy, teenager. But man is he sweet now. This most be how all babies are....makes sense for why more of us don't kill our young! ;)

The look of an angel...the mind of a devil!!

Sunday is typically the day that Keenan's dad is able to come and visit him. Since he doesn't spend a whole lot of time with him, relatively speaking, he sometimes isn't wise to Keenan's little shenanigans. This is why I found it INCREDIBLY funny tonight when Keenan was sitting on his dad's lap and his dad and I were having a conversation about something and all the while Keenan was sticking his finger up his nose and wiping it on his dad's cheek. I finally couldn't stifle my laughter (and yes I know all that does is encourage them but sometimes it just can't be helped) and decided to let his dad know what he was up to. To his credit he handled it well and proceeded to wipe off his cheek with a baby wipe while I laughed myself to tears behind my book.

Man I love that kid!

A Boob Man!

Seriously? Two years old and my son is already a boob man. We were getting ready to go to a Spaghetti Feed tonight and he was jumping on the bed which I was standing next to while I was getting my socks and shoes on. That child reached his hand down the front of my shirt, pinched my nipple and looked at me and said "My Boops". What the hell? First of all...they've NEVER been his boops! Second of all...my mother is the one that is constantly yelling "MY BOOBS!!" at him every time he crawls into her lap but uses a "boop" for leverage. So when I told him, "No, those are not your boops" he looked at me innocently and said "Daddy's Boops?". Well jeez...I suppose at one time they were but not lately! We're divorced for crying out loud! So after we're home and he's in his jammies I went to the other side of the house for something and came back to the bathroom where he was patiently waiting to brush his teeth and he'd partially unzipped his sleeper and was playing with his own tiny little nipple. I'm telling you...he's a boob man!

Monterey Bay Aquarium and Micke Grove Zoo

A few weeks ago we had the good fortune of going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with an old friend of mine who lives in the area and got us in for free. I HIGHLY recommend it for children Keenan's age...especially if you can get in for free. They had multiple little play areas and discovery places that captured Keenan's interest. He did not get bored, did not get cranky, and LOVED the aquarium with all the giant fish. They have really geared things for toddler/preschool/young children and he really had a great time.


Another great place for this age group is Micke Grove Zoo. Here's what I love about it. First, it's cheap. It's 2 bucks for adults and free for 2 and under (I think, maybe 3 and under). Second, it's small. Your little one won't get exhausted going from display to display. Third, it's NEVER crowded. That means that you don't have to freak out that your little one will get lost in a large crowd of people with other children. Fourth, it has a cute little kiddieland next to it with little rides for cheap and on the grounds are park play structures. It's a great place to spend the day, have a picnic and see some animals. They have a great little enclosed duck area that Keenan just LOVES and can actually sit and watch the birds in for quite a long time before he wants to move on.

Elliptical Trainer

Things the elliptical trainer is good for other than actual exercise:

1. Drying my towel, turbie twist, and Keenan's towel after a shower.
2. Holding my two stability balls in place so they don't roll around the room.
3. Filling up the empty space on the other side of my bedroom.
4. Serving as a place to stack all my pillows instead of the floor when I'm changing my sheets.
5. Holding my bathrobe instead of having to put a hook on my wall (I don't have an over the door hanger because I have a pocket door on my bathroom).

Get the picture? I do love my elliptical machine. At least I love the thought of it. At one time it was THE ANSWER. A fun, low-impact exercise that burns at least twice as many calories as mere walking. A great way to know exactly how many calories burned, miles gone, minutes exercised (I'm big on measurable things). I have goals when I'm on the elliptical...burn at least 100 fat calories, 300 calories overall, and hit the 30 minute mark. All measurable, attainable goals. So when was the last time I used it? Hmmmm....I'll have to measure the dust and see. Here's part of the problem...the elliptical is in my bedroom. Unfortunately, now Keenan is also back in my bedroom after 6 months of sleeping in his own bed in his own room he's wormed his way back. I can't exercise when he's awake because he thinks that thing is more fun that a disneyland ride (well ok, he's never been to disneyland, but he's TOTALLY into the elliptical right now). I can't exercise when he's asleep because I'd have to do so in the dark and the machine is too loud. So now I'm faced with having to move it. For anyone considering getting one of these behemoths just know that they're heavy as hell, can't turn corners, and don't fold up so they take a lot of space. So in order to actually use the thing I'll have to move it into my living room.

Really though, if I moved it, where would I hang my towels??!

Yeah, you're not really "doing the single mom thing"

Since I seem to be on my single mom rant at the moment I may as well get on with it.

I LOOVEE when people who aren't single moms (and I only say moms because I don't have any male friends who do this but it would certainly apply to them if it did) say it's like they're single moms because _____ (fill in the blank). My truly single mom friends and I talk about this a lot. So here's the thing...when you people who aren't single parents do that...it makes those of us who are single parents snort, roll our eyes, and temporarily think of a sassy rude comment that could be said. However, I do try to temper this with the fact that I know my status was self chosen and I'm not complaining about it. It truly is the best, safest, least dramatic or stressful and healthiest road that I could have chosen for Keenan. And I really LOVE my life...I'm so happy and satisfied with where I am right now and I totally APPRECIATE what I have and what I've accomplished. I'm at peace and content. This is not about being bitter. I also understand that if you are in a relationship with an involved parent when they're absent it can be difficult and uncomfortable for you. But what I do want to impress on people is that it can't even compare....really, not even a little bit.

Being a single mom means.....

1. You never get a break. You don't get personal time to yourself. You don't get those moments to re-charge your batteries, enjoy a book uninterrupted, enjoy a show uninterrupted (thank god for Tivo), or sleep in or take a nap because you're sick. Hell, I can't remember the last time I peed in private...work doesn't count...there are other stalls in there. Bottom line, you power through no matter what.

2. There's no separation of chores. I have a friend who recently complained that she was pissed off at her husband and so sick and tired that he can't seem to put the clothes in the drawers after he does laundry. Uh, really? You mean your clothes were sorted, washed, dried, folded and put in the respective rooms they belong in and you're bitching about that? Dead birds caught by the cat? You get to clean that up...not your partner. Dog vomit on your bed? Yep, you get that one too. My all time favorite...dog diarrhea! Yummy...good thing you invested in a steam cleaner you like because you're the only one using it. You do the dishes, you take the garbage out, you sweep, mop, vacuum, clean the toilets, mow, edge and weed eat, pound the nails back in the fence boards, scoop the yard and take care of the pool chemicals. Why? Because if you don't, it doesn't get done. However I do want to give a shout out to my ex-husband who really does have moments of absolute sweetness. There have been a few times when on his days off he's come by to mow the lawn or happens to unload my dishwasher and refill it with the dishes in the sink. I swear it's pathetic how damn grateful I can feel...almost moved to tears. Yeah, I'd totally do him in that moment.

3. Drop offs and pick ups. Honey, I'm going to the gym after work so it's your turn to pick up...oh yeah, that would be my turn again. A woman who I really do like complained recently about doing the single mom thing. She talked about how hard it was to get the kids down at night when her husband wasn't home and I do really believe it is very difficult. I only have one child thankfully so I don't really have to wrestle two into bed. The funny part about it all was in the same paragraph as the "doing the single mom thing comment" was the sentence about how she doesn't do drop offs so wasn't sure what her son wore that day or something like that. And as far as the gym...the only way I've been able to make that work is to take work home to do once Keenan's in bed and leave work early so I can squeeze in at least a cardio machine before daycare closes. Go in the morning while Keenan's sleeping? Not unless I want to be a CPS report for leaving my son unsupervised.

4. I just need to run to the store for ____. Yeah, that's so not worth it. Running to the store involves needing to go during times when your child can be out of the house without melting down. Going anywhere is an ordeal and has to be time limited. I really try hard to structure things for Keenan so I know he can be successful. I try to shop when he's rested, keep it time limited, dine only in loud restaurants early in the evening if we go out to eat...that kind of thing. I want to keep realistic expectations of him and not yell at him all the time. Doing little errands is never a little thing. EVERYTHING now requires pre-planning and forethought and there's never the back up of "honey can you stop and get blah blah blah on your way home?"

5. Those really tough decisions. Do I keep Keenan in daycare or move him to a pre-school? What school do I enroll him in? What if he has an IEP and needs me to advocate for him educationally? What if he has on-going medical issues and I have to make treatment decisions. The pressure of knowing that those decisions are all on you and you don't really have the luxury of having the other parent to step in and take the load or bounce things off of them can be pretty overwhelming. I have a friend whose daughter has Down's Syndrome and I tend to be a bit hard on her and critical sometimes for various reasons I won't go into. But I do have to say that I can't imagine how hard it must be for her FIGHTING with the school every year about full-inclusion vs. not or with the doctors about the many surgeries her poor daughter has needed. Now that's rough as a single parent.

5. Finances. This is probably one of the scariest things. If you screw up the books...there's no safety net. If you lose your job, get furloughed, run out of sick time, there's NO SAFETY NET. There's no one else out there, no matter how absent from the home he or she may be in the evenings, who's working for the financial good of your family. You're the wage-earner and the home-maker and failure in any of those realms has dire consquences.

6. Your child is the coolest, smartest, most talented human being to ever walk the planet. There's some small sadness in knowing that you don't have that other person around to share those moments with when your child just impresses the hell out of you with how cool they are. There's a small pang when you realize that the one other person who should be in as much awe as you are isn't there in that moment.

So call it whining, bitching, complaining, whatever. Just know that unless you are a single parent...those moments when you lament that you're doing the single parent thing (like if you're trying to get ready for work in the morning and your partner's already left for work)...um, no you're not. And please, don't judge those of us who give their son a set of make up brushes so we can get through the morning....whose children accidently call someone at random because we're bribing them with our phones for 5 minutes of uninterrupted time to accomplish a task....who loses yet another sippy cup to the dogs because I got a bit distracted and forgot to retrieve it out of the bed after nap. Don't sigh and look at us crossly...we may be superhuman...but we're not perfect!