Just things swirling

I watched President Obama's address to the students of America today. C-SPAN cleverly aired it right after airing Reagan and Bush 1's similar addresses to the students of America. I'm struggling to understand what all the hullabaloo was about. Seriously, what part of that was socialist propaganda? The "work hard because things won't just be given to you" part? Or the, "take advantage of the opportunities you have because those opportunities don't mean squat without effort on your part"? Or maybe it was that tired old socialist dogma "you don't know what you're good at until you try and you won't even be good at THAT without lots of practice". People have just gone nuts. I think it's a bitter pill for the right wing, good ol' boy, conservatives of the country to swallow that, not only do they not have their man pitching anymore, but *GASP* a minority is in control. That minority CLEARLY must be trying to brainwash the nation into moral turpitude and trying to undermine the very foundation this country was built upon. Seriously...it's almost funny to watch what incredibly poor sports and sore losers these people are. If this were a little league baseball game, they would be the parents the umps would have to throw out of the game because of their astonishing obnoxiousness! I had Keenan watch the President's address with me. Yes, I know he's only 2. But as soon as President Obama came on the screen he shouted the closest approximation of his name that he could muster and clapped along with the crowd. My point being, not only does Keenan recognize Dora and Diego, but he can spot the President too. I want him to form whatever memories he can of this time when a man who looked like him was President. I have "THE SPEECH" (dunh dunh dunh) on Tivo and plan to hang onto it. I don't know how it's a bad thing for any child, whether Republican, Democrat, Green, or Independent offspring, to be encouraged to work hard, stay in school, invest effort into oneself, and value education and opportunity by the leader of the free world.

Conversely, I was COMPLETELY SICKENED when I saw and heard the footage of Steven Anderson of Arizona actually preaching that Obama should die and leave his children fatherless and his wife widowed. This man is a Pastor. Aren't they the people who are supposed to teach faith and love? This is EXACTLY my problem with organized religion. They use the bible to justify whatever message of hate they're dishing and try to disguise it as righteousness and then point fingers at others and ask THEM "what would Jesus do"? Well I can damn well bet that Jesus wouldn't be advocating for fatherless children!!!! And the sheer IRONY in all of this is that he states it's because of Obama's views on abortion. Hunh. That's a head scratcher. Killing unborn children is wrong because according to the bible thumpers it interferes with G*d's plan and is a sin because it's murder. Sooooo...a PASTOR...is preaching to their flock (ever wonder why they call them that??? Baaa baaa) to kill Barack Obama. How exactly is that not murder? And a sin? I mean, I ain't GOT religion according to them, but I pretty much can assure you that my moral compass would tell me that would be...oh, wrong! I mean, really?? Seriously people.

On the lighter side...I made a KICK ASS Chicken Enchilada Casserole tonight. I shocked myself with how damn good it was. Even my ex husband (who is a chef by profession) was impressed and it KILLED him (but not in the Steven Anderson sense) to admit it. If he steals my leftovers tomorrow I'm gonna break his knee caps!

Why I love Furlough Fridays!

Yesterday was my first of 13 mandatory furlough days imposed upon me by my employer. At first mention of furloughs I panicked and threw a fit. That's a 5% paycut and we all know in this economic time the last thing any of us needs is less friggin money! However, now that they're here I'm learning to accept and embrace the furlough fridays. Here's what I did:

Wake up....realize I don't have to be at work so sleep for another 20 minutes.

Wake up for real and realize that I don't have to be at work so wash face, pull hair up, brush teeth and throw on some clothes. Yeah...you read right...no am shower...dunh dunh dunh!!

Rouse little monkey out of bed because, by g*d, this is MY furlough friday and his ass is still going to daycare!

Throw monkey and dog into car and drop monkey at daycare. Take incredibly happy and grateful dog to the agility field. She SOOO misses her agility. Get yucky and sweaty because it's already hot but I don't care...I didn't even shower yet.

Clean out entire car...I mean clean...I mean glove box, toy bin, under the seats, between the seats clean. Realize that the car is still disgusting and go to car wash. Vacuum the hell out of the car. It takes 5 vacuum cycles...thankfully vacuuming is now free. Waste token on stupid scent machine that didn't work. Realize car is presentable but still only average in comparison to most car owners. Get hotter and sweatier but still doesn't matter. :)

Go through every single piece of paper on my desk (if you know me then you know that's a small forest worth of paper) and throw away, put in shred box, and file what can be filed. Neatly stack stuff that can't....come on, I know my limitations. Desk clutter is just who I am.

Clean out every single bathroom drawer and cabinet in my bathroom...realize half the shit in there expired in 07 or earlier and think to myself "why the hell did I bother moving this from the old house to here...16 months ago". Throw away a ton of shit and stand in awe of all the space I have in my bathroom for more stuff!

Smell myself and realize that I can't follow through with the no shower thing. Succumb and take the best damn shower ever because 1) I didn't have to worry about where K was, 2) K wasn't in the shower with me (for a 2 year old he sure hogs the hot water), 3) I stayed in as long as I wanted, 4) I had plenty of room to shave my legs and 5) did I mention it was a K free shower? Mine, mine and all mine???!!

Do laundry...like folded and put in drawers and hung up even. Laundry usually sits draped over the back of the kitchen chairs for at least 2 days after it's washed before it makes it into the closet.

Vacuum...hear a strange noise and turn around to see the ex-husband standing there. This of course scares the shit out of me for the millionth time that he's done it. And tell me what damn good it is to have FOUR dogs anyway if not a single one of them is going to at least bark when someone comes in the house?!!

Throw husband in car and go get monkey which makes K the proudest smiliest kid ever that BOTH of us came to pick him up today.

End the night with taking K on a bike ride, roller skating and 2 dogs back to the field for open practice and realize after putting K to bed that I am DAMN exhausted and did more today than on most work days.

Look at all the stuff one can accomplish when work doesn't get in the way!

Happy Father's Day

My dad died 15 years ago. I haven't really commemorated this day in any way since then. But I decided this year that I would take stock of the man he was and remind myself what I loved about him and what I didn't.

My dad loved me. He was larger than life for so many years while I was growing up. Some of my earliest memories are me pretending to be asleep in the car after returning home in the evening from some party just so he'd have to carry me in. I can still hear the way the gravel crunched under his feet. He wore only Old Spice and used only Irish Spring soap. He loved coffee and drank it all day long. He would sometimes gross me out when he'd eat a bit of raw hamburger meat while cooking. I have NO idea why he did that. He used to walk around the house naked in the morning because he slept in the nude. This didn't weird me out because it just wasn't a big deal and I just don't think anything of it now. He was voted "The Boldest" in high school. He and my mom were high school sweethearts...she was voted "Most Intelligent." He was a Vietnam war veteran. My mom says that he came back very different than when he went and that's when all the drinking began. He was an alcoholic for all of his life. This saved me from ever thinking that I could live with another alcoholic which became helpful to me later in life. He drank Budweiser and, when he was trying to hide his drinking, he drank vodka so no one could smell it. He loved sci fi and played the movie Top Gun WAY too loud when he was drinking. He wasn't afraid of killing rattle snakes when they popped up around our house and was known to pet wild skunks and let the tarantulas walk all over him. He even had a preying mantis as a pet (he wouldn't let us do anything to it and it decided to live in our house.) When we were little, he had a REALLY mean Macaw named Mandy that used to bite him but he loved her anyway. He loved cats and didn't like dogs. He spanked me a few times...but for BIG infractions. Man, when he was in a bad mood you just did NOT want to be around him. But when he was in a good mood he would be funny and we would laugh and play cards. He thought quality time with me was taking me to the dump on a Saturday to get rid of our large garbage items or having me help him defrost the frozen water lines that ran from the well to our house in the winter. He used to let me sit on his lap and drive when we got off the main highway when I was really little. He was never cold and even in the dead of winter would wear only a vest, never a jacket. He was a smoker all of his life. He believed in a hearty meat and potato meal for dinner but rarely ate breakfast or lunch. He was really smart but was 11 units shy from graduating from college. He never really had a fruitful career after that. He could fix anything and work on any car which was so helpful and handy! He died of a massive heart attack at work when he was 48 years old on June 6th, 1994. I still have his ashes. He wasn't a saint and he wasn't the perfect father but I appreciated the good times with him and really missed him at all those great milestones in my life that he missed...my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my son, etc.

So, Happy Father's Day wherever you are. He thought organized religion was bullshit and didn't buy that whole Heaven and Hell thing. But if I know him, he's knocking back a beer somewhere and smiling in the sun.

Grandma's 62nd Birthday!

Keenan loves and adores his Grandma. Today was her 62nd birthday. Keenan was very excited for this day to come because, along with wanting to make his Grandma feel special, he knew cake was involved. After wrapping our presents to her and hanging our birthday banner we took Grandma to dinner at Cool Hand Luke's which proved to be pretty tasty and we had great service. After that we came home and let the party rage on. ;)

First, Keenan sang Happy Birthday to her and helped her blow out her candles:




Then, he helped her open her presents:




Then, he ran with scissors:




Then the party got into full swing when Keenan danced on the table...with shoes...as suggested by Grandma. Thanks Grandma.




Now Keenan is in bed and I'm playing with my new digital camcorder I bought today. Cuz you know, that's what smart people do when they're going to be furloughed next month and their child support is shaky, spend money. Probably not good timing but I'm in a cake induced stupor and don't much care.

Happy 62nd Birthday Grandma! We had a great time!

Love, Keenan and Daphne

What happens when you fall off the piano bench-this is long

Note the big knot on his forehead...and that doesn't capture the matching knot on his knee. This is what happens when you fall off the piano bench head first onto the tile floor. Poor little baby. He appears to be ok. But I really need to vent about tonight.

I HATE when Keenan hurts himself obviously. However, I hate it even more when his dad is around and he hurts himself. His dad's immediate reaction every time Keenan falls and bangs himself up after he's been asked to stop doing something (like standing on the piano bench instead of sitting on his bottom or knees like he was told) is to yell at Keenan. He just starts bawling him out. It lasts about 3 seconds because you better believe I totally jump his shit when he starts doing it and then I just whisk Keenan out of the room. It totally pisses me off! Again tonight I had to tell him not to yell at him when he's hurt and then he gets pissed and starts mouthing off and has no patience for anything (like when my chihuahua jumped on the table to steal a bite of the chicken left on Keenan's plate in the midst of all of this). I had to step in right as he was going for him because I think he would have thrown him off the table in a way that was likely to cause injury. This immediate reaction is why I NEVER TRUST HIM ALONE WITH KEENAN! This is why he visits mainly in my home. I've allowed him to take him with him on errands maybe 3 times in all of Keenan's 2.5 years.

To make matters worse, my insurance changed in January from Kaiser (which I know has their issues) to a lovely little plan called Health Plan of San Joaquin. Being a county employee our insurance can change year to year based on who offers the lowest cost option. Our insurance is 100% paid by the employer if we choose the lowest cost option. Choosing one of the other 3 plans available means paying out of pocket for the difference in cost. I'm 1) a single parent on one income, 2) cheap, 3) not really a frequenter of any type of medical services because we're both (thankfully) healthy. I usually don't care what insurance I have as long as I'm covered. So I switch. So far I've discovered that instead of getting a 3 month supply of birth control pills at a time they only allow one month at a time which means a 10 co-pay for every month of pills. Assholes. Not a dire thing though I'll admit. My real issue is that tonight, when I actually needed them because that bump was REALLY big and he carried on much longer than he usually does when he knocks his noggin, they had one failure after another. The phone line for the advice nurse had a recorded message that said the line was no longer available and to call the customer service center. I do so using both the local and 800 number and their hours are 8-5 M-F. NOT HELPFUL! To top it off..I can't remember which urgent care I'm supposed to use. I call Keenan's doctor, get the service, and they can't tell me which one to go to and, furthermore, their ****ing on-call doctor has yet to return my call and that was 2.5 hours ago that I called them. So I decided to try the website and click the link that says advice nurse and it has the same non-operating number. I try to download the provider directory and the link doesn't work. ARRGGHHH! I decide to just take him to urgent care as a precaution because at this point he's looking like he might throw up and is still just sitting in my lap not doing much.

Here's reinforcement for why I divorced Keenan's dad. BECAUSE HE'S OBLIVIOUS AND NOT HELPFUL!! I make the decision to go to urgent care and he insists on using his car merely because he's blocking my car in the garage. Keenan's bag, my purse, etc. are all in my car. I say fine just to get out of here, grab my stuff and bring it in the house. I set it down right next to Keenan's blankie (a must have, particularly in desperate times) and his sippy cup. I grab the motrin and shove it in my purse and pick up Keenan to head out the door. His dad grabs his blankie and sippy cup and starts walking out in front of me. What's missing? Oh yeah, my purse and Keenan's bag that I'm apparently supposed to carry along with Keenan. Are you kidding me? I glare at him in disbelief and he doesn't get it. So at this point I have Keenan in one arm, my phone in that hand, my purse over the other arm and his backpack in the other hand and that shit turns and sees me with all this stuff and says "Oh, I'll get the door, you go on ahead". !!!!! This of course leaves me to wrangle the purse, backpack, Keenan and the phone out to the truck where I also have to figure out how to open the door with either my teeth or my toes since that's all I have left. SOO ANNOYING!!

We get going in his car and I guessed right regarding which urgent care to go to thankfully. But when I go in and ask them if they accept my insurance they say they haven't accepted that for about 4 months. I of course start flipping a lid because it's only been since January since I've had this new insurance. Some other guy comes around the corner and says, do you have this insurance through your job? Um, well, duh! Guess what? My new painfully inadequate insurance is apparently the Medi-Cal plan for the neighboring county. WTF??!! They accept it if you're employed but apparently not if you're on it through Medi-Cal. Keenan ultimately checks out ok though he has a very large goosebump on his forehead as you can see. I'm ripping them a new one tomorrow and switching back as soon as we can during open enrollment. Now I have to go try to wake up my son to make sure he can be woken up before I "sleep" tonight which I know my neurotic self won't do because I'll be totally checking him all night a la Terms of Endearment style!

Gas

GAS PRICES PISS ME OFF!!

Seriously...how the hell do they get away with this shit? I'm not necessarily for government regulation on everything but at some point it's got to stop! How is it that the price of gas can rise for "a record 50th straight day" and no one can do anything to stop it. This is ridiculous. NOTHING else that's a consumable experiences these extreme price fluctuations. This makes me angry in a way that affects my body and tenses me up. I can see us back to 4 bucks a gallon soon and that's just not right...especially not in a recession and when I'm taking a 5% hit on my paycheck and a 25% hit on my child support (that's a whole other topic). How does it compute that people who are out of work and/or taking paycuts should be expected to afford more expensive gas.

Dude...SERIOUSLY!

Assholes!

Why the guilt?

Today I skipped out of work an hour early, rushed home, did a workout tape, and then rushed to pick up my son. It's the one hour that I actually made myself a priority in front of all other things. And believe me, it's the first time that I've squeezed in a bit of exercise in a couple of months. EVERYTHING comes before myself, especially Keenan. It's doubly hard to get any moment to myself as a single mom since there's no one to split duties with and no one to entrust Keenan to on a daily basis when I can do something for me. Therefore, my ability to accomplish a little bit of exercise left me feeling great! Actually, I'm proud of myself. And I noticed that I had more energy this evening. I know that exercise leads to this and leads to me feeling better overall but it's always the last on the list of priorities. So, if it makes me feel so great the question I have for myself, and for others out there struggling with the same issue is this:

WHY IS IT LAST ON THE PRIORITY LIST?

The best answer I can come up with is GUILT! Yup, guilt! I feel guilty for leaving work a bit early and having to make up that hour somewhere else this week. I also feel guilty for being a little bit later than usual picking up Keenan from daycare. I have this thing where I don't ever want him to be the last kid to be picked up from daycare. Totally self-imposed weirdness, I know. But I try to get him as early as I can. I have this bet going with a co-worker regarding losing 5 pounds by a certain date. I texted her that I actually worked out today (she didn't believe I would) and she, with pure evil in her heart (though it was funny as hell) texted me back "poor Keenan, his mommy was late and he was the last one to be picked up". That girl knows JUST where to hit! It was total strategy on her part since she'll have to buy me lunch when I win...bitch. :) But I digress...back to the guilt. There's a whole list of things that I feel guilty if I do so I just don't (or rarely) do them:

1) Buy clothes/shoes for myself. Anything bought is sheer necessity. I am no fashion icon. But Keenan is always dressed well.

2) Splurge on any items. Recently I purchased a patio set (for all of 250 bucks from Big Lots) for my backyard. I had an unexpected check come from my impound account and 2/3 of it went to this set. TOTALLY FELT GUILTY!

3) Go out. Ever. This brings out many layers of guilt. Guilt for leaving Keenan with a babysitter (he's never been left with a babysitter...only my mom and his dad). Guilt over the money spent going out. Guilt over the grumpiness Keenan will inevitably face and the overall lack of energy the next morning that may result in going out. Seriously...little to no social life here.

4) Guilt over not treating my dogs the way they used to be treated or taking my Border Collie to agility anymore (her favorite thing ever poor girl). Agility was my thing..my hobby..my fun. Not doing it now because I'd have to get someone to watch Keenan for me during class time and trial weekends (which are both weekend days and all weekend long) aren't something that I can do with Keenan. So therefore, the double-edged sword of guilt if I do them and guilt if I don't.

I could go on but that seems plenty. I know that he's only 2 and 1/2 and I would hope that this will dissipate and ease over time. But really, how do you get past it all and bring yourself back around to a place where it's ok to put yourself first sometimes? Or is that just something that has been given up forever because I'm now a parent?